If sleep deprivation is a form of torture, the CIA needs to unleash my kids on all Al Qaeda suspects in captivity. They are pros. I'm pretty sure that they have a team meeting every morning while I'm sleeping for the 30 minutes they allot for me.
In my head it goes something like this:
Aubrey (4 years old): I know we ran out of Cheerios yesterday so I'll scream and cry for the first 2 hours for Cheerios. Emma, you just eat whatever she gives you. Sadie, you cry until she feeds you.
Emma (2 years old): I wore my favorite dress yesterday and got ketchup ALL over it, since Mom hasn't done laundry in a week, I'll refuse to wear anything but that.
Aubrey: Good thinking. Sadie (3 months old), you wait til we are ready to walk out the door to poop. You know how she loves having to come back inside once we're almost all in the car.
They cover every aspect of the day, taking turns being the "good" one so that I don't get suspicious. But I'm on to them...I just can't find any evidence of premeditation.
During nap time recently, I went from bed to bed to get my 2 year old and my 4 year old settled in. After numerous threats, I finally got everyone including the baby asleep. Excited and exhausted, I went to climb into my bed with Aubrey and realized she was smack dab in the center of MY "nest'o'pillows" asleep, the nerve. But whatever, I grabbed a couple of extra pillows and got in the bed on the other side...and woke her up.
"I'll just close my eyes and she'll go back to sleep," I thought to myself. WRONG! She was AWAKE, and whining for juice. I dragged my butt out of the nice warm bed, got her juice and told her that nap time was NOT over and to go back to sleep. But it was pointless; I should have realized it then and there. She had taken a power nap...the bane of every mother's existence.
For some unknown reason, maybe denial, I continued to lie in the bed and try to sleep. About every four minutes, just as my thoughts were getting cloudy and I was beginning to drift off, Aubrey would touch me. Just enough to wake me up. Torture. I rolled away from her and closed my eyes for the hundredth time, I was lying on a Polly Pocket but it was a small price to pay if I could just sleep for 30 minutes....OK, the Polly Pocket was REALLY hurting. (Torture, I'm telling you, they think of EVERYTHING.)
I rolled back towards Aubrey, but kept my eyes slammed shut. I didn't want to give her any indication that I was awake...I could hear her moving around and knew she'd pounce at the slightest sign of weakness. All of a sudden I felt her lunge towards me and my nostrils were COVERED by her mouth as she took a DEEEEEP breath and blew her orange juice breath into my nostrils! I sat up, choking from the sudden and unexpected influx of air into my lungs.
WHAT was that? Did they talk about it at this morning's meeting? Who was the mastermind of this new technique? As I got out of bed, defeated, I had another mental picture of their team meeting. Their heads leaned together with three tiny hands in a circle..."Ready....BREAK!" I could just see Emma and Sadie saluting their commander as they commenced to driving me right over the edge.