They were over the moon with excitement.

I, on the other hand, was a complete and total nervous wreck.

I mean, you have read about my kids. You know my kids. I had a lot of reasons to be nervous. My brother and his wife were more than gracious and assured me repeatedly that if one or more of my children decided to bail at the last minute, it would be fine. Which was very kind of them- but I wasn’t worried about my children deciding not to walk down the aisle. I was terrified to think of what they were going to do as they walked down the aisle.

In the weeks before the wedding, we spent countless hours covering proper flower girl etiquette: keep your hands to yourself, walk slowly, don’t throw your flowers or your basket at anyone, and stand quietly beside Mommy. On our way to the rehearsal we reviewed flower girl protocol and Aubrey and Emma recited the rules by heart. They followed the rules, but I soon learned that there were a few areas of concern that I hadn’t accounted for.

The wedding was held at Children’s Harbor on Lake Martin, Alabama. The wedding party was standing at a point overlooking the lake and facing towards the cutest little chapel you’ve ever seen.

As we began our first run-through of the service, I braced myself for unprecedented O’Bryant behavior.

Aubrey walked down the aisle keeping her hands to herself and her head up, as she walked right past the wedding party and the minister, to the shore of the lake, where she began picking up boulders and throwing them into the lake. I don’t mean small stones- she had to use both hands and lift with her legs to throw them in the lake with a loud, “kerplunk.”

Emma walked down the aisle, holding her crotch a la Michael Jackson (God rest him), the entire way. She did not follow her sister to the water’s edge at first, but came and stood beside me just as she had been instructed- for about 30 seconds. At which point she lifted my knee length dress up to my bra line. I grabbed my dress, shoved it down and looked up just in time to see the father of the bride doubled over with laughter and pointing me out to a few other family members.

As I was scolding Emma, I heard my sister exclaim, “Oh, Aubrey! No!” I turned just in time to see Aubrey picking up a piece of neon green chewing gum up off a rock at the shoreline. It had already been chewed and was melted in the summer sun. She stretched it up towards her and the gum spun into a long stringy, sticky comet. I rushed to her side to help her, before it wrapped itself around her in the wind and as I picked the threads of gum off of her hand, Aubrey decided to “help” me by biting and licking off stray spots.

The bridesmaids, bless their young and childless hearts, kept saying over and over, “They are so cute! Aw, how precious!” If seeing my children at the wedding rehearsal wasn’t good birth control for these girls, I’m pretty sure they are beyond all help.

If I was nervous before the rehearsal, I was close to having a panic attack before the wedding. I continued to review The Flower Girl Rules with a few additions: no doing the pee-pee dance down the aisle, no playing with someone else’s chewing gum, no throwing boulders into the lake and please, please for the love of everything that is good and holy- no showing the wedding guests Mommy’s underwear.

I wondered if a member of the bride’s family may have slipped a sedative in the girl’s orange juice at brunch, because their performance at the wedding went off without a hitch. No rocks, no gum, and (there is a God in Heaven) no flashing my Britney to the wedding guests.

(Robin O’Bryant is a Mount Pleasant resident and mother of three. Read her blog online at www.robinschicks.com or e-mail her, zebandrobin@hotmail.com)

photo provided

Aubrey and Emma were adorable flower girls.