I have a fascination and fixation with boobs, not just my own, I am enthralled by your boobs just as much as I am my very own. I wasn’t aware of my obsession until a recent trip to Disney World. I found myself recognizing the people I passed in lines, as we wrapped back and forth between chains and handrails, not by their faces or their clothes, but by their boobs. I found myself passing the time by trying to guess what size bra the women were actually wearing and what size they SHOULD be wearing. I mentally fitted a few men for bras of their very own. I fantasized about recording clips of these people and sending them in to “What Not to Wear,” which I would never really do because I keep asking all my friends to follow me around with a camera and send MY pictures in. I don’t need any competition, y’all.

   I realized during all my scientific research that Oprah’s Bra Intervention a few years back had been a complete and UDDER failure. She said something like 100% of women wear the wrong size bra and she was on a mission to make every granny and housewife in the country get measured to buy a bra that lifts and separates.

  There were braless boobs of every race AND gender, for that matter. There were boobs representing every nationality, it was like a UN meeting for the boobs of the world. I kept waiting for Angelina Jolie to show and “show support.” One of the pairs that struck me the most was a woman in her 70s, who was very well dressed. She was wearing a pair of khaki capris with a white sweater set with royal blue anchors stitched all over it. Her jewelry, her watch and most telling of all- her hair, looked expensive. I can say without hesitation or reservation, this woman never outgrew her Hippie-Chick phase, or she was experiencing the first signs of dementia because she was NOT wearing a bra. 

 “How in the world would you know a thing like that unless you saw her getting dressed?”

   I am SO glad you asked. Because, her sweater was knit cotton, expensive AND clingy and I could see her nipples CLEARLY right above the waist band of her pants. Each boob looked like a sad deflated balloon under that expensive sweater.

   Why would you go to the trouble to get dressed, put on make-up and go somewhere if you can’t be bothered to wear a bra? I can only assume because these people could afford to be in Disney World that they could also afford undergarments, or does that mean Granny was pulling a Britney under her Capri pants- ewww. Therefore I must further deduce that because half the women in the Magic Kingdom were not wearing bras, it was by their own choice.

   This perplexes me a great deal. I for one am not opposed to or offended by the human body. I have breastfed all 3 of my children and I’m an advocate for women’s rights to breastfeeding in public. (Discreetly, y’all!) As a former ER nurse I’ve seen more naked people than a “working girl” on the Vegas strip. I just don’t understand wearing clothes without undergarments. I mean, what’s the point of even putting a shirt on if I can see everything anyway. If you are going to go all National Geographic, I say take it all the way and just go to Disney World wearing a thong made out of rope