Q: I am a first time grandmother. My daughter has a new baby girl. She is getting ready to return to work after maternity leave and have her baby girl with a daycare. She is a nervous wreck about leaving her daughter and is worrying about how the baby will do in a new place with new people. She is using a daycare that friends use. I was a stay-at-home mom and did not have to face this problem, so I do not know how to help my daughter with this change. What advice can I give my daughter to help her through this nervous time? Many thanks, Bundle of Nerves

 

A: Dear Bundle of Nerves

Thank you for your question. You are a thoughtful mom and grandmother! This is a time of transition for your daughter and her baby that can be filled with anxiety and uncertainty. It sounds as though your daughter has picked a daycare she feels good about, and is focused on how to begin taking her baby to daycare and allowing others to care for her. The challenge for any mom is to establish an environment that encourages comfort for the baby and peace-of-mind for the mother (or, as much as possible). There are things that mom can do ahead of time to prepare her baby and herself for this transition.

Let's begin with some of the practical things that your daughter can do ahead of time to help prepare this transition. Prior to beginning daycare, your daughter can 1) obtain a copy of the daycare's list of items from home that are acceptable. These usually include things such as sheets and blankets, a favorite toy; and supplies such as diapers, wipes, formula, bottles, etc. Your daughter can 2) prepare a note for the daycare staff to help them get to know her baby. Include things such as her baby's nickname, favorite song or story, signs that baby is sleepy/hungry or tired. Your daughter should also 3) prepare her contact list, so that she can easily call the daycare for updates. Another practical tip is to 4) prepare ahead of time each night and leave plenty of time in the morning for ease of drop off each day.

When we think about a new a mom taking her baby to be cared for by others, we know that mom wants her baby to feel comfortable and safe, to know that this is a good place with caring people. Although your granddaughter can not speak or understand verbal language at this age, she can understand things such as touch, sight, smell and sound. Here are few things that mom can do re-assure and prepare baby and herself for the emotional transition.

If at all possible, I encourage moms to return to work during a short work-week. If your daughter is not able to begin work this way, then she can consider doing these things the last week of maternity leave. On the first day, your daughter can plan to go to the daycare and set-up baby's crib and cubby. She can plan to be there an hour or so, and take baby with her.

She should take bed-sheets that smell like home, baby's blankies from home. These are the comforting smells and touches of home. She can introduce the baby to the staff with a smile on her face and joy in her voice. The baby can hear from her mom that these are caring people. Now is a good time to provide the staff with the list of baby's favorite things. During this time, the baby is also becoming familiar with the sights, sounds and smells of the room.

On the second day, mom should plan to go to daycare in the morning. Try to go during the time that would be her usual morning drop-off. Allow the staff to walk mom and baby through their usual morning drop-off routine. The moment of handing your baby to the daycare staff can be stressful for all, and baby will be looking to mom. When mom can allow the daycare staff to hold baby and allow her to begin to settle in with the others with peace, mom is reassuring baby that this is a safe place. It is a nice idea to leave the baby with her favorite toy or blankie. Plan to leave for an hour or so.

Now is an opportunity for your daughter to experience her feelings of the daycare drop-off. She may consider driving to her workplace from the daycare, in preparation of returning to work! Upon returning to pick up baby, she receives baby with joy. Baby will respond to mom's non-verbal communication (sight, smell, touch and feel) of joy or stress.

On day three, your daughter can plan the same routine. This time, your daughter can stay away for a little longer. I have found that some moms like to use this time to run errands in preparation for work, or to have a lunch with friends before returning to work. When a mom is able to start slowly, to surround baby with familiar sights and smells, project trust and joy in the staff, she is (non-verbally) reassuring baby that this is a good place with good people and that baby will be fine. By beginning with a short week, both your daughter and granddaughter can slowly begin to adjust to this transition.

You and your daughter may be interested in the following Web sites as you go through this process: www.parenting.com , www.thecradle.com , and www.ivillage.com

I look forward to reading more parenting questions from our readers.

(Susan Vichick-Johnson, LISW-CP is a psychotherapist and coach in private practice at Lifeworks in Mt. Pleasant. You can submit your parenting questions to Susan via email at svjohnson@lifeworkscharleston.com or to 250 Mathis Ferry Rd, #101, Mt. Pleasant, Sc, 29464)