Q:My 15 year old son will not follow the curfew rules! We have a set curfew time. Most of the time he does follow the rule and gets home on time. Then there are times that he comes in late and expects me to just let it slide. I get really mad when these late curfews happen. We argue about it, then he follows curfew…for a while. Then, he doesn’t get home on time, we argue and do it all over again. How can I get my son to follow curfew? Frustrated mom

A:Thanks for your submission. I am sure that you speak for many frustrated parents of teenagers. Developing family house rules allows for consistency and communication throughout the house and family. Well defined family house rules cut down on the “You never told me that” response from teenagers and decrease arguments. It gives parents the tools to follow through, and gives teens the structure they need to navigate the world outside the family. Structure allows teens to learn the skill of managing their feelings and behavior at home - a skill which allows for success at school, work and relationships away from the structure of home and parents.

Here are guidelines to establishing family house rules:

1 Establish the house rules—parents agree on what their expectation/limit is before discussing with teen; expectation is clearly presented to the child. Sometimes it is helpful for parents to have some flexibility and allow the teen to participate in the process and buy-into the expectation.

2. Exceptions to the rule are identified.

3. Identify consequences to the house rules—parents agree on the consequences and these are clearly presented to the child; consequence is tied to the offense.

4. Parents follow through with the consequences.

Parents are encouraged to:

•Have a conversation outside of the presence of the children and agree on the rules.

•Write down the rules and consequences and post in the house.

•Be consistent with follow through.

•Avoid arguments with children by referring back to the posted house rules and consequences.

Testing the boundaries is part of the learning and growth process for teenagers. When parents are consistent with expectations and follow through, you are modeling appropriate self-control for teens. This means that when your child is in the world, without you providing the rules, he or she can exercise self-control, manage emotions and make good decisions based on his/her parents’ modeling.

This is the “not so fun” part of parenting, but an important part. Managing your emotions during these intense times is also a form of modeling for your teen. Make sure you are venting and problem solving with your partner, friends or therapist so that you have the strength to hold firm…your teen will appreciate your consistency as they moves through life.

Keep submitting your questions and I will do my best to answer you.

Susan Vichick-Johnson, LISW-CP is a psychotherapist and coach in practice at Lifeworks, in Mt. Pleasant. You can submit questions to her via e-mail at svjohnson@lifeworkscharleston.com or mail her at 250 Mathis Ferry Rd., #101, Mt. Pleasant, SC 29466)